Doughnuts Are Ruined

You might think this post is a day late since National Doughnut Day was yesterday, but I just didn't want this post to get mixed in with all the subpar doughnut content I saw yesterday. The truth is, all the places offering free doughnuts yesterday just aren't good. I used to think that they were good, I really did, but now I see every fault with them because I made the mistake of trying Federal Donuts. Here are some reasons why you should never eat Federal Donuts.

Lemon Crumble Cheesecake
First of all, do you really want to have the best doughnut of your life? What will you even be living for afterwards? There will be no continued quest for the best doughnut because you will have already had it. How else are you going to spend your weekends? I guess you can go get one of their many delicious doughnuts if you want to rob your doughnut-eating life of meaning...

Every doughnut you eat afterwards will pale in comparison. I used to like Krispy Kreme and Dunkin, I really did! Now they're just meh. I can find every flaw in them. Overly sweet unlike Fednut's balance of salty, sweet, and roasted. The texture is off. They're not pillowy. The cake doughnuts at these chains are crumbly and dry like I'm putting dirt in my mouth. And then the glazes! So sweet, no tartness. Not to mention the fact than a glaze is somehow mealy, leaving a strange film in my mouth.

Grapefruit Brulee and Rose Lemonade
But the absolute worst thing about Federal Doughnuts is the fact that I can only get them in Philly. How am I supposed to assuage my doughnut cravings? Get on a plane for that sweet, sweet doughnut? When I'm not at school, I'm missing out on all the new fancy flavors! I'm left spiraling into a sugary sadness. Nothing else will satisfy my desire for a doughnut lunch. Why did I spoil myself with doughnut lunch?

If you want to continue your content life of mediocre doughnuts, then you cannot, under any circumstances, try Federal Doughnuts. If you like boring, old flavors, please continue at your chain doughnut shops.


Note: Grapefruit Brulee is the best doughnut I've ever eaten, and I regret having ever tasted something so delicious, too good for this world.


Location: 1632 Sansom St, Philadelphia, PA 19103, USA

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